Second Step of the Cooplexity Model: Relationship Management

Second Step of the Cooplexity Model: Relationship Management

The second step of the model addresses the importance of properly managing interpersonal relationships.

While step 1 of the Cooplexity model focuses on reducing anxiety in the face of the unknown, step 2 centres on generating the security that is only built through interpersonal bonds; knowing what to do is not enough. In human systems, action is mediated by relationships. And relationships are built through subtle but decisive emotional signals: listening, understanding, accepting, connecting.

Emotions as the Foundation

Antonio Damasio, MD, PhD, states that we are not thinking machines that feel; instead, we are feeling machines that think. Damasio is University Professor and David Dornsife Professor of Neuroscience at the University of Southern California (USC) and an internationally recognised leader in neuroscience. He points out that emotions and feelings are constitutive of reasoning and decision-making, not merely an accessory. In other words, emotions are a fundamental part of how we interpret reality and make decisions.

Basic Emotions Theory

The word "emotion" lacks a single definition, but all scientists agree that there is a rapid, automatic, and unconscious connection between emotion, cognition, and action. The basic emotions theory proposes that humans have a limited number of emotions (fear, anger, joy, sadness) that are biologically and psychologically "basic."

Other theories address the topic differently, but for the Cooplexity model, we will stick with this fundamental approach, which offers enormous advantages in simplicity and clarity.

To summarise, we can identify three critical elements of emotions: their function, what activates them, and the processes they trigger.

Functions of emotion

Interrupts or changes the ongoing process and focuses attention and the direction of responses.
Motivates cognition and action and provides emotional information (including communicative signals) to guide and coordinate the individual's engagement in the physical and social context, to cope, adapt, affiliate, and feel good.
Increases (or decreases) the importance or value of an event to facilitate adaptive (or maladaptive) associations between the context, the event, the emotion sensation, and the response.

Activators of emotion

Events or situations that pose challenges or opportunities.
Cognition, including memories, images, and evaluation processes.
Social interactions and affiliation.

Processes of emotion

Spontaneous neural/neurophysiological processes (e.g., changes in hormone and neurotransmitter levels).
Other emotions (e.g., interactions between an individual's emotions and emotional contagion in social situations).
Learning and development processes that make emotional response patterns part of personality or character.

Impact of Relationships on Decisions

Since the beginning of my career as a consultant, I have used the "Prisoner's Dilemma" dynamic to explain three fundamental learnings about trust.

Generosity approach as in Tit for Tat.

"Only from a collaborative attitude and generating trust can a common project be achieved and a purpose shared."

In his work The Evolution of Cooperation, Robert Axelrod explains that, using the famous "Prisoner's Dilemma" game—created around 1950 by Merrill Flood and Melvin Dresher (and later formalised with its current name by A.W. Tucker)—he invited game theory experts to a tournament. The competition involved submitting programs in which participants had to choose between a cooperative and a non-cooperative decision in a series of repeated game interactions. Among them, the strategy called "Tit for Tat," developed by Professor Anatol Rapoport at the University of Toronto, always won. Surprisingly, it was also the simplest: the first decision was always cooperative, while subsequent ones systematically repeated the opponent's (Axelrod, 1984).

In the "tit for tat" or "eye for an eye" strategy, those who started with a cooperative approach—giving the "opponent" a positive opportunity—advanced further and achieved better results. The concept of reciprocity was key to building a trust relationship.

Relational approach as an evolutionary dynamic.

"Things are often not explained by what they are, but by how they came to be."

On the contrary, the first decision rejected cooperation due to perceived risk and a lack of expectation that a cooperative effort would be rewarded; a spiral of distrust quickly ensued, in which both parties lost. In my experience over the years, I have used this dynamic hundreds of times, and only once were the decisions entirely collaborative, allowing the maximum possible to be achieved.

However, factors in the dynamics' design favour perceived risk—the antithesis of trust—and push decisions towards minimising loss rather than maximising gain. This initiates a distrust spiral, in which, despite clearly seeing the undesirable consequences, it is difficult to escape. The relationship is the consequence of interactions.

Impact of Emotions on Relationships

This second step of the model is not technical. It is deeply human. Before coordinating tasks, defining strategies, or setting objectives, something must happen first: creating the bond.

We can think of this stage as the relational equivalent of the infatuation phase in a couple. Everything is possible if the initial emotional connection occurs. Without it, everything becomes a formality, a forced effort, or a game of interests.

Practical Tools

In this stage, two key competencies must be intentionally activated.

Connecting through active listening

"When someone feels heard, their perception of risk decreases. Only then does trust appear."

To connect, I must first be able to receive the message the other wants to convey without rebutting, judging, or denying it. This is how we feel heard.

I know someone who creates a special connection with everyone he interacts with. It is an exceptional skill. The method he uses is straightforward, and I have named it "interlocution percentage." It consists of intentionally becoming aware of the percentage of time each interlocutor uses in the conversation. If I suddenly realise that I am monopolising the discussion, the probability that I am practising active listening is very low. He, on the other hand, barely talks about himself; he shows genuine interest by asking questions focused on their context, which stimulates the other person's communication. They feel attended to and naturally engage in the exchange.

But active listening is not just paying attention. It is making the other feel that they exist, that they are relevant, and that what they express deserves attention.

Do not interrupt. On the contrary, foster the conversation with pertinent questions.
Do not judge. Listen to connect, not to correct.
Do not prepare a response while the other speaks. It is not about waiting for "my turn," but dedicating the necessary time for transmission to occur.

This listening constitutes the first step of every quality relationship: the emotional connection.

Relating through authentic empathy

"Empathy does not seek to be right. It seeks to understand without appropriating."

We define empathy as the awareness and ability to interpret and understand others' emotions and feelings from their perspective. It allows us to connect emotionally with other people and respond appropriately to their needs and emotions.

It has two channels of expression:

Emotional (bodily) channel: synchrony, mimicry, emotional contagion.
Cognitive channel: distinction of others, perspective-taking (putting oneself in the other's shoes).

In any case, it does not consist of agreeing or feeling the same. It consists of accepting the other's legitimacy. Understanding why they say what they say, why they feel what they feel, and why they do what they do. The degree of empathy depends on the interlocutor's perception, and one must know how to modulate their effort when it is not a native ability. Thus, we have three levels according to intensity:

Perceived as indifferent: it does not matter what they are or do, one way or another. It awakens no interest or affection.
Empathic: mental and affective identification with another's state of mind.
Perceived as feigned: deceptive, false, simulated, lacking reality or veracity.

Practising empathy involves suspending judgement and adopting a gaze that humanises without invading, to move from emotional connection to a stable relationship. A relationship that allows one to show oneself, explore, and build something together.

Conclusion

Leading teams is leading with generosity.

Focusing on the team does not mean accepting all suggestions or yielding completely to every demand. The leader still has responsibility and must find a balance between motivation and effectiveness. However, one thing is sure: they must feel, think, and act with generosity, always allowing team members to respond positively.

Leading people is leading emotions.

The perception of reality, and consequently analysis and decisions, depend entirely on the emotional reaction to the situations we face. Before addressing a problem rationally, its emotional impact must be managed. Otherwise, a blockage occurs, and logic is used to justify decisions that reinforce the emotion.

Next step in the model

Once we have connected with others, we have overcome a barrier that opens the social dimension of the relationship. Even when showing empathy and managing emotions properly, we will inevitably encounter a legitimate reality: we all have different interests. How to manage them will be the third step of the model.